Gettin’ The Fat Bitch Off My Back!

So, I’ve been getting pretty tired of hauling this fat bitch everywhere I go and it’s time to get rid of her! The diet started Thursday, my exercise routine started Friday and now it’s time to have some fun. I’ve started with a daily 20-minute stint on my old, neglected elliptical machine.  Long ignored and stored away, it was also damaged by our leaky roof.  I thought it was destined for the landfill.  But alas, I put in four new size-D batteries and it’s working like a charm.

Weston helped me hook up an old CD player in Erik’s old, water-damaged bedroom.  I dug out our old Jock Jams CDs and was ready for my first workout.  Notice how many times I use the word “old”??  Yeah, this cow has been hanging around too long!  Time to make her history too!!

So, I used to be an athlete.  I loved sports.  I was never much for running, walking, weight lifting or that sort of thing.  I preferred sports where you could keep score.  Even when I was on a regular regimen of swimming five years ago, I was secretly racing all the other people in the pool.  I like to beat people.  I like to win.  I was a good sport – but definitely like winning and try to do so gracefully.  George will disagree.  We are fiercely competitive with each other and I especially enjoy doing things with him in which my odds of winning are greater.  Hence, he refuses to play board games with me.

I was never much for exercise just for the sake of exercising – so there’s my challenge.  I get bored when exercising.  Elliptical machines provide a workout that is a cross between riding a bicycle and cross-country skiing.  The motion is similar to pedaling a bicycle or gliding on cross-country skis.  The pre-programmed workouts are timed and simulate going up and down hills with increased and decreased tension.  That makes it a little less boring.  And the pumping, thumping, rocking, popping music of Jock Jams is supposed to entertain me and keep me motivated.

The electronic display shows the time remaining, calories burned, heart rate, distance traveled and more.  There’s even a pace coach showing whether I have to pick up or slow down my pace.  While working out, I’m amused to see the distance I have traveled considering that I never leave Erik’s old room.  It’s interesting to go half a mile while staying in one place.  With plenty of time to think, I decided that my destination is nowhere – I’m just striding away from the fat bitch who began taking me hostage in 2008.  Wherever I end up is fine as long as she’s not with me!!  And I  know I have many miles to go before she’ll be gone.

So, today’s workout was accompanied by the first eight tracks of Jock Jams, Volume 4.  FEAT, Austin Powers, Notorious B.I.G., Puff Daddy, Diana Ross, Will Smith, Luke, 2 Unlimited and 3rd Party joined me.  The lyrics seemed particularly relevant to my new goals – so I’ve created a medley using a combination of the words from those songs.  It’s called “Gettin’ the fat bitch off my back!” and here are the words.

Gettin’ The Fat Bitch Off My Back!

Yeah baby, are you ready for this?
Swing baby, yeah.  1,2,3 – GO!  Y’all ready for this?

Let the music drive you insane.  Oh behave.  Let the beat control your body.
1,2,3 – GO!
You got to move it, feel the temperature, into the rhythm that the fire burns.
So get into it, get into a trance.  This is the rhythm of the tribal dance.  The tribal dance.

I’m comin.  Yo, I thought I told ya dat we won’t stop.  I’m comin.

Can you feel it? Can you feel it in the beat when your body’s movin? 

You can do what you wanna do.  It’s your dream, you can make it come true.
You can be what you wanna be.
Can you feel it in the air?  Can you feel it, feel it?

Everybody get up, it’s time to slam now.  We gotta real thing goin now.
Come on and slam, if you wanna jam.  Slam, bam, thank you maam.
Hey you, whatcha gonna do?
Just work that body, work that body, just make sure you don’t hurt nobody.
Get on it, let’s have some fun.

Ya’ll ready for this?

Throw your hands in the air.
Get all y’all day in day.  Chillin’ in the M to the I to the A.
Big booty girls shake your derriere.
Put em up there.  Put yo hands up high.
Let me see you raise the roof.

Bring it.  On your mark, get ready, get set, GO.
Gettin jiggy wit it.
Be axin em, would you like to bounce wit da brutha that’s platinum.
Rather play ball wit Shaq and em. Flatten em.  Psyche.  Kiddin.

The End

I’m determined to succeed.  I’m making my efforts very public because I want to be accountable to my goals.  If I fail, everyone will know it.  I’m pedaling to nowhere. Hundreds of miles to go before I get there. Going with Fatboy Slim and Salt ‘n Pepa tomorrow… Chumbawamba and House of Pain on Monday.  Just hoping these hip-hop stars and the Jock Jam Cheerleaders can keep me running from the fat bitch on my back.  I like to win, so I’m going to beat her!!

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